Story: The Anti-Funeral

            Priest Conte sat on his cloud outside of the entrance of heaven a very displeased man. Why was he displeased? One might wonder… well, let us tell you a little story.

            Not long before his death, Priest had made a little deal with a man named Nefer-ka-ptah while they were chatting in the House of Life: he would trade the map to the Book of Thot in exchange for the funeral and burial arrangements of his minister-like dreams: he wanted to die rich, and have offerings, libations, incense, mourning women and all of his priest friends at his service, and then by buried on the beautiful Fields of Aalu. This did not seem like too much to ask in exchange for something as rare as the gift he was giving Nefer, but, of course, Nefer had found a way to mess it up.

        

Very displeased Priest Conte

    First off, Nefer had decided to use the priest’s money for the funeral, so any chance he had of being buried wealthy flew out the window along with all of the bills for the casket and other items.

            Next off, Nefer never took up offerings at the reception (the priest was kicking the skies of heaven at this one, since that was something that should always be done at a funeral service… if he had learned one thing in all of his years at the church, it’s that people who attend funeral services already feel guilty and upset so they tend to donate more). The communion was taken, but with grape juice. “What is this mess?” the priest asked himself as he saw his little nephew taking the libation and then asking for more, his eyes wide as a result of the sugar.

            Lastly, the church smelled like sweat and summer dew, nothing like the smell of incense the priest had requested. This simply would not do.

            Upset, he paced around wondering if there was anything he could do. Everything had already gone wrong… even things that were not exactly Nefer-ka-ptah’s fault… the audience for example was small. Priest Conte had never really thought about who would show up to his funeral service, but he didn’t expect the turnout to be so small. Yes, a few of his priest friends had come, but the only woman mourning in attendance was his mother, who was crying so hard she was getting snot on her blouse and had betrayed his wishes.

            When Neger-ka-ptah was declaring that the body would be buried in the Fields of Aalu, as per request, Conte’s mother had stepped in and said that “simply would not do” and requested that Conte be buried with father and grandparents in a small, family tomb which was located miles and miles away from the Fields of the original request.

            Conte was not a happy spirit, not a happy spirit at all. Here he had entrusted his material afterlife in someone who had messed it up entirely and he had no say on the matter whatsoever. It was very sad to him, very sad indeed.

            As soon as they placed his body into the tomb and shut the door, though, Conte heard a squeak. The large, silver gate behind him began to creep open, and a light beam shined through. All of his material lust disappeared as he walked through the gates of heaven, anxious to begin his new life in the afterlife, no longer on planet earth.

Bio: Based on Part 1 of "The Book of Thoth" by Donald Alexander, 1913

Authors Note: Many times in the past, I have thought about whether or not souls are aware of the turnout or the events that go on at their own funerals. When I read the part of Donald Alexander’s story that had the priest (whom I later named Conte) giving instructions to Nefer-ka-ptah on how he wants his funeral to be in exchange for the instructions to the book, it brought the question up in my mind again… is this something that is aware or not? So, being me, I decided to make my story based on the question and just go off of how unsatisfied the priest was with everything that went on. It was not supposed to be taken seriously by any means. I picked the photo that I did for this story because that’s how I pictured Priest Conte looking while watching Nefer completely mess everything up at the service.